Kempo, fun and exciting exercises, I don't want to be a fat ass. :(

When I work out this hard I usually refer to my perspiration as "sweating like a lesbian". You know you find it sexy.

Today was the first day in a long time I completely kept myself occupied. I've been going through this depression spurts that occur because I don't actually have downtime outside my household with anyone else other than Dylan. I only get to see him Thursday, Friday and Saturday, because of school. It's a big bummer, I get sexy frustrated and I have this anger that comes out of no where. It's strange. But now my paranoia is getting to me, I can blame shows like "Tool Academy" and my past lover for making me so insecure, but I'm afraid all these little annoyances will only make the issue worse.

To keep myself from all of these thoughts that are constantly going through my head I'm attempting to keep myself occupied. I don't want to have to think about him all the time, he's not the only thing I have going for me in my life. I'm having trouble though, it seems as though I've lost all my positive energy that people admire so much. I think he's even noticed I'm not as spontaneous, as I "came off". My spirit is lacking, and I don't know where to find it again. But I want it back...not for him or anyone else. Just me, because I'm a selfish bitch. :)

Going to Lubbock this weekend,

My step-mom, Joann, her mother is really sick and they're going to take her off ventilation and see how she does. It's possible I'm going for a funeral. But I'm hoping I'm not going to just grieve the entire time I'm in town, I'd like to see other family and friends as well.

Bummed.

Today marks four months I've been with Dylan. I'm proud of myself, and him. hah.

I probably won't get to see him today, because of school, so I'll have to celebrate on my own with some ice cream or something.

How wonderful! :)

People are pretty expendable, even alive.

I can't really bring myself to believing otherwise. Just like I can't bring myself to loving people again, not really even my parents. It was a complicated relationship once they decided that lies work if no one ever gets hurt.
Most the time, I'm so blunt I make people uncomfortable. I sometimes can't even find some jokes to be funny.
I'd almost would like to convince myself that there is something medically wrong with me, something that just keeps eating at my love for people and that it's not just me trying to get under my own skin. I don't thrive on this dramatic trait I just so happen to have. I absolutely hate it when people state that I'm just trying to be rebellious or that I always have to be different.
I go through this emotional roller coaster about 4 times a week. Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays because I forget what it's like when he kisses me. Which is sadly the only real connection I have with anyone in an infinite mile radius. For this reason I question everyday if my relationship is going to work with anyone. I was a person with ambition before this and this became more than just another speed bump I could ride off. What I keep fighting for now is normality so desperately that it could be what cuts me off from the one person that gives a damn about me here.
Heh, I'm a compressed gas in a bottle waiting to explode. This anxiety is something I hadn't had when I was taking birth control, which I decided to stop taking because these emotions contributes to my hunger for creativity. Everyone else in this world needs people like us to distract them from what THEY made life, suits, currency, and nice cars. I can't ever pretend to be interested in these things anymore, but I still desperately wish I could find love for those who do.

Still looking for ink. I'm hoping to find it by the time I go to Lubbock that way I can give away prints. Getting there slowly.


I don't feel like I've inspired anyone lately....what's going on? I don't want to have school put me back in gear. I should be able to do these things on my own. Ugh.

Lubbock, less than 3 days.

I haven't been able to bring myself to writing anything late. Or creating anything at that. My inspiration has slowly come to a flat line of genuine happiness and in return I've been absolutely miserable.

I will try to explain.

I've tried to convince myself that most of this is paranoia. That when I'm happy I look for ways to be miserable again, because misery has me complete occupied in writing, drawing and creating. Even if I strive to construct something I haven't anyone really to share it with, anyone that really understands. I really miss MY friends. I hate trying to pretend that I like anyone for someone else. I don't think I've ever been that social. Also being so socially awkward doesn't help. My best friend wouldn't call herself social, but if any occasion should arise she could charm the pants off anyone. I could not, I wouldn't know the first thing about talking to strangers. I have also grown this disappointment in people, I can't get along with the way everyone else thinks and feels. I partial blame the birth control I've been taking for about 3 months. I'm going to have to stop taking it and find different method. It's freakin my body out!! I wouldn't say I'm less moody either, I would say that I'd care a lot less though. I don't want to be so lifeless like I have been. I find it a bit strange anyway taking pills to alter these natural things. I should just be sterilized, I think I'd be doing all of humanity a favor.
Hah, remember that sex talk we got in Junior High? "The best form of birth control is to just not have sex." Yeah, like that's going to happen. Hah. Sex is so natural, just like everything else it shouldn't be abused but you can't stop what people feel for each other once it reaches that point. What was that guys name anyway (the speaker)?

Dylan, the guy I've been seeing is wonderful. I laugh more. It's been awhile since I've felt this happy with someone I don't know how to just be. That paranoia just keeps growing on me and I feel like I'm going to be the one to screw things up again. He's tried telling me I can't get rid of him that easily. :) He'll be making the next trip with me to Lubbock,

June 26-29.

My dad and step mom just walked into the house drunk...great. I'd splurge more about lover boy but I think I'll escape the humiliation for the night. Drunk Mexicans.

It's true.

He makes me happy.

I have family over right now but I'm in the office typing this entry up.

My Grandma will be leaving tomorrow and I wish I could have spent more time with her altogether. We spent our first night watching Scarlet, which is the second part to Gone with the Wind. We loved it. I could watch those movies all the time! I love the dialog. I kinda wish people could talk that way.

Any who, once they leave I'll be left here alone with dad and joann again. My dad is a drunk....and sometimes I even want to hit him in the face, I feel her pain. Sometimes I just want to tell him, "And you wonder why I didn't want to live with you when you and mom divorced." One day I will hit him, and he should appreciate that I wouldn't allow ANY man to talk to me that way. Yes, I'm going to be a husband beater.

I'm going to a winery tomorrow with my man friend. I haven't the heart to call him a boyfriend yet, though if I had to have one he'd be it. He's quite different. But I'd rather not rant about him. I'll just say I really like this one and I hope I don't run him off like the rest of them. hah.

I haven't updated in awhile so I thought I should let you, my closest verbal friends that I'm going out and making a name for myself. Baby steps. :)

These two pictures won a school contest:
First place in its category and Grand Prize winner overall



First Place winner in its category



I won 3 Sea world tickets. Hah. But that's not the point, the point is that they will be displayed in my school and people will know that it was Jackie Salazar. I'm not really into photography but I'm glad that I'm doing what I love. It's a lot of work and I couldn't be happier about it.

mk. I know this entry doesn't really have an decent ending, but I have family wondering where I am, and I'm wondering why I even began. hah.

love.

You could sing me to sleep every night. I wish you weren't 41 otherwise I think this could really go somewhere. ;)

It's possible I've had entirely too much coffee when I already had a lot of energy.

Started off the day listening to wonderful Reggae and Ska music that I just received from a handsome African in my Art Appreciation class. The grin on my face all day, I'm sure, is freaking people out. Along with random laughter and singing. Today is one of those days I wish had a close friend around to share all my love with. No more strangers.

It's not that I'm constantly "in" or "out of love" Mr. Wayne! But I am a product of love and when I find interest in people or things I project the thing I feel best about, which so happens to be my love. So am I constantly "in" and "out of love"? I suppose, but like you said more infatuation. It is love never-the-less. It starts with me not being able to share it with anyone, then I'll quickly stumble downhill. It's not so essential at this point of my life. It might be later. It is this part of me that I need to own though. I hope my laughter and overall love will be appreciated by someone someday. I'm sure I'm annoying my best friend already. :D

NEW YORK FOR MY 21st BIRTHDAY?!? WHAT WHAT?! I'm excited and scared. I'm not even quite sure what to do when i get there.

Oops, class starts in 2 minutes.

I love you...just in case you forgot.

I rarely ever dream. Something or someone has revitalized this horrible dream cycle that I was better off without.

Dream One: I remember a ring on my finger and a feeling of bliss and happiness. I don't fully believe that Marriage is at all a sign for happiness or love. Marriage is a joke, I feel sorry for people that feel otherwise. Anywho, I was following these rituals and everything was so cliche. My mom was so annoyingly excited, but it was as though our whole entire years together she chose these moments to reveal her confined maternal emotions to me. Why now? Regardless, I was pretty damn excited about it. I was caught up in the fairy tale where ignorance was bliss and I knew nothing more than marriage being some kind of important factor. I event had a bride-zilla moment that ended up working itself out. Came down to the day before my wedding, my best friend even encouraging my promise to another into complete misery, everything seemed too perfect. I stared down at my fat ass rock sitting on my finger and couldn't put a face to the diamond. Who gave this to me? Why was everyone so excited that I was marrying a stranger? I couldn't recall a personality, physical characteristic or voice to who I was about to marry. I started to question if I just made the whole thing up. But why would I feel obligated to lie to everyone I love just to see them happy for me? It was all kinds of fucked up. I would never do something so selfish, and everything seemed to be so controlled. I woke up confused and angry.

Dream Two: I remember being around people that I cared for much in my past. As though it was some kind of reunion, we were in mostly present time and joined together to celebrate something...or someone. I didn't quite understand it but I didn't really question why everyone was together again. I remember having emotions in two extremes, light hearted and devastating. Alas, my best friend had died. I had a note from her explaining in complete detail her pain. I wasn't for sure if she had killed herself or if there was some other kind of prolonged suffering that she felt compelled to write me about. It was pretty fucked up to explain the morbid unfolding of her death but she wanted me to know everything, and I really wanted to hear her out on it. She told some kind of story that flashed more awful images in my head, not ones that pertained to her but mutilations of the people around me. Things, disgustingly, we use to laugh at. Odd premonitions oh how things could be given certain circumstances. I remembered them and was able to laugh but suddenly cry to the fact that no one else understood what was happening. How I could possibly laugh at such horrible things. And again with all these people around me I felt more lost than ever. I woke up wanting to cry, and still these images haven't gone away.

Much of this I can blame on the painting ariel finished on super bowl sunday. Much else from other people that just irrate me. I keep hearing non-sense from people's mouths. Things that I'd like to respond with, "I don't give a damn!!"  Time is completely against me and it feel like everyone is trying to take it away. I feel more for the insane.

I'm very much afraid to meditate at this moment. I don't want something in me taking control, because right now I feel more like an instrument. It's very frightening to experience. 

I feel more like myself today...and it's a beautiful feeling.
no more lies
no more shows
no more holding back
no more oppressed anger
no more salty foods
no more crappy coffee
just me in my skin.

I have these people to thank. They tell better stories than I could ever hope to tell. And they brought me back to life.


( My loves. )

I got another hair cut. I can never tell what I do and don't like anymore. I'm too indecisive and always bored so I have to insist on changing my looks every now and again.

I can't wait to be in lubbock though. School starts tomorrow and I already feel burnt out. Maybe I'll finally meet someone in one of my classes that isn't boring as fuck.

Oh, that's another thing, I'm trying to stop cussing. :)

I just got off the phone with a sprint technician. I thought people from the philippines were happy people. I have to go and ask for everyone's phone number again. :(

ashweee gimme yo digits!

I just finished these up. You don't have to tell me, I know they're not that good. But at least I'm getting all of this shit out. I just need to keep continuing. Finally I have something for my own, and I'm so happy to say no one can take that away from me.


Vintage Tree
</a>


Sore Eyes
</a>

Thanks for caring my lovies. I miss you.

And please do comment on this one!

I've been giving serious thought into moving back to Lubbock.

Could it be because Michael 'cheated' on me with his ex-girlfriend? Maybe.
Could it be I haven't made any real friends since I moved here? Maybe.
Could it be everyone I get close to is a complete douche-bag. Maybe.

I think it's mostly all of these, and the fact that all of them wouldn't be so bad if I had a friend close by to help me through all of it. I'm doing my best not to feel so sorry for myself. If you saw me in person you'd probably never know this was happening. But it is making me think about how before, I just wouldn't put up with it from people. I would just never talk to the people that hurt me. I realize now though that I can't keep doing it for the rest of my life. I wouldn't call it running away, that's so cliche. Just more or less denial. I deny people's imperfections and remorse. I don't know how or why I believe everyone should be as relentless as I am.
But I heard this man on the radio. He said "In an argument, it doesn't matter who's right or who's wrong, all that matters is if you want to be happy or not."
I've always known it but couldn't say it as easy as this man did.
It only matters if the person is worth the time to mend things and start over. But does that mean everyone deserves a second chance?

There are so many people I didn't give a second chance too, and so many that might have been worth it. 

These things add up to the reason I moved from Lubbock.

And I swear if I have to listen to another damn Christmas Song I'm going to make someone suffer!!!!

I was very inspired the other day and it was ruined by this routine I've picked up. I've also convinced myself it's not enough to be healthy and alive, we all end up underground and for what?! Sorrow, apathy, loathing. blah blah blah.

I need to stop surrounding myself with these people that know too many boundaries. Those identifying me by my sex, my race, my class. I want to know when the world started believing in this allusion of 'beauty', when did mankind started believing in classification? Why do we insist on killing ourselves to live up to these things? Who's to say we deserved living as long as we have?! What's driving this world?

I really don't feel any particular way. I'll continue playing the role of 'Miss J'. Smiling and laughing. I believe most people we walk by everyday are just bodies of skin. I'm just a body of skin, at least I'll admit it.

they bring a sort of happiness to my heart.



You know things I use to love.

A: Start playing Christmas music right after the election.

Because you know it'll cheer up the people that are suffering from this recession. Or it might just remind them that the holiday of 'giving' is coming up and it will cost them. WE are ridiculous. I'm finally not caught up in my own life and I feel absolutely miserable for everyone.
Where is the John Lennon in my life?! He'd know what to do in a time like this.

dead dead dead.

Wearing a really cool t-shirt that says,
"MAKE MOVEMENT NOT WAR
say it!"

Someone tell me a story. :(

distributing the continuous life of question
'things would have been different if...'
Saving that heartache with my loving arms
supporting your loving addiction.
I'll sing the sweet sorrows of eyes never waking
and some hums as you indulge.
This love kills.

It eats at the skin and eases your mind,
'stay with me and we'll be happy forever'

'stay with me and I'll make anything possible'

'stay with me so you'll never be lonely.'